I barely dare open my post these days.  For those of you who are not akin to the absolute saga that is Natwest business banking, here is a very brief outline.

I had one account (elevation) which has been happily in existence for two years.  All I wanted to do, was open two further accounts, which could be linked to elevation on one online profile, to save the use of three customer IDs, three activation codes, three 4 digit pins, three passwords, three card readers, three additional cards etc.  Should not be difficult…. Should it??

So here goes.  I receive a debit card to “Sky Pink” (business name is Pink Sky).  I had a half hour argument with the bloke on the phone about getting a new one because he insisted that “Pink Sky” didn’t fit on the card, despite the fact that it would be exactly the same as the one in my hand, only the other way around.  It finally transpired that he was trying to write “Naomi Turner Trading As Pink Sky”.  I reminded him that “Trading As” is usually written “T/A” to save space.  “Oh yeah” he said.  I felt like asking how many of these he did each day.  The card arrived with “Naomi Turner Pink Sky” on it.  No T/A.  Never mind.  What didn’t arrive, was the pin number.  I was unable to withdraw cash without ID….. For three months.

I did not have online access to the accounts for three months.

My business manager took two months to return my call (after calling four different people to get hold of her and them moving her to Tewkesbury without telling me and having her take a two week holiday without leaving a replacement manager in her place).  She took a further two weeks (twice) to return other calls and then failed to sort out the problems.

I was told when opening the accounts that I could easily link all three together online (the main reason for opening the accounts).  I then found out that I couldn’t.  I was missing two cards to go in card readers, so couldn’t juggle money between any of the accounts.  I also couldn’t make payments to people and had to withdraw cash (with ID) or write cheques.

I was supposed to have a reserve account for each of my accounts (to put money in for tax etc).  No account was opened for Pink Sky.

I applied for a credit card for elevation and never got it.

There is no business name on my card reader cards so I have no idea which corresponds to which account.

The Pink Sky credit card was not activated.  Neither was I instructed to activate it.

After three months of no pin number I wrote a three page catalogue of complaints to the bank manager.  She called me to apologise and said she was ordering a number straight away.  Ten days later I called to see where it was and the staff member “couldn’t be sure if it had been ordered or not” (what?!) So she ordered another one “just in case”.  I nearly exploded.  If a bank manager can’t even order a pin number, why do they look after all our cash?!

So I go to see my new business manager, who is reportedly “excellent”.  Actually, I was not impressed.  Every time I got vaguely irritated he tried to make a joke about it with phrases such as “Woooaaahhhh steady on, don’t get all funny with me!”  When Mark (who I took with me because when I get stressed my IBS kicks off and I panic) tried to speak on my behalf, he held up a sheet of paper between my head and Mark’s and said “don’t you influence her, this is between me and Naomi”.  I got cross at this point, saying I was entitled to consult my business partner for advice and that although I don’t suffer from a “permanent disability” that would be listed in his catalogue, I do suffer from a stress-related illness which is set off by things like this (well, and general digestion but never mind).

He promised to sort it all and, after applying a little pressure, was persuaded to give us £90 as a goodwill gesture.  He opened new accounts under elevation in the names of Pink Sky and Jellify. In the meeting he managed to contradict himself three times (it became clear that he didn’t know how to use his online system), order me a card which we eventually established that I didn’t need and treat ME like an idiot.

In the last week I have received two paying in books, in the name of “elevation”, with the account numbers of Pink Sky and jellify.  I have received a debit card for Pink Sky and one for “Business Account”.  No idea what that is for then.

We called him and he claimed to have emailed me to say that some stuff had gone wrong.  Not only should there be no excuse on earth for it going wrong AGAIN, but he didn’t email me at all.  He is going to pop in on Monday.  Only six days too late.

To top it all off, I paid in £500 on Monday and they have lost it.  I phoned the online bank and they said there is no record of it.  So I am just supposed to hang up?!  And do what?  I have to go to the branch apparently and present a receipt that has no account number on it.  How much more lost work time am I supposed to endure, just to run a bank account???  There are a few times in my life that I feel like swearing or kicking something.  Now is one of them.

Game over Twatwest.  I am off to another bank.  But are there any good ones at all??  Please help.