It is now two months since the theft of iPhone
And it is with regret that I have reason to moan.
The iPhone was taken from Subway in town,
It cannot be proven, as the video is down.

Well not quite ‘down’ but tampered with,
The manager claims my presence a myth,
In the hour that I bought that fateful Fanta,
And subjected myself to weeks full of banter.

Telephone calls promised from victim support,
Also police letters and progress reports,
They did not appear so I chased the insurers,
Yet did not know they could be so laborious.

The company with the red phone on wheels,
Came back to me with their pathetic appeals,
To grant me the money £200 short,
And not replace the item, as really they ought.

I argued the toss to see if they dare,
Insist on an item that has now become rare,
I found one online for twice the amount
And offered it to them as their insistent way out.

All of a sudden they changed their tune,
And uttered a noise like a strangled baboon,
They coughed up the cash six weeks on,
Surely now, our game was back on?

I went to five shops to replace my machine,
The response I received was not short of obscene,
“We can’t sell you the phone on Pay As You Go,
We’d really love to but head office says no,

Due to limited stock we can only sell contract”
I just don’t believe you, as a matter of fact,
Would it be due to your lack of commission?
When you sell a handset, without its yearly addition?

I phoned up 02 to order at source,
They only had white, limited stock of course.
5 days later the phone was not here,
I phoned 02 back to ask when t’would appear.

“The order’s been cancelled”, no reason provided,
I demanded a new one for which they obliged me.
They promised a call back to confirm my buy,
When this didn’t happen, I rang to ask why.

“We haven’t got any in stock now” the woman bleated
I lost my rag and would not be defeated.
“SEVEN AND A HALF WEEKS and you fail one more time
You give me a phone or I cut off my line”.

The supervisor called at half past eight
And I held my breath to listen to my fate
A phone had been found, as if by magic,
The goodwill gesture, free postage – tragic.

I spoke politely in an attempt to be ‘mates’
I lost it a little when the consignment of freight
Was to be sent to an address that is not on my card,
Get it right, is it really that hard??

So tomorrow is the day, I wait with breath bated,
A sigh too loud surely could be ill-fated,
Between 8 and 10 tomorrow it is promised to me…
Will it arrive?  Well…. We will have to see!