I was talking to a friend the other day about the hilarity of office plants….  They always make me chuckle.  They are either the most abused, neglected or tortured creatures on the planet, or the most spoilt, loved and cherished little brats going.

I will take you through the various classics:

The abused.

This plant is one of two species.  A cheese plant in a bad plastic terracotta pot, or a rubber plant in a sightly fancy earthenware receptacle (usually ‘mock Aztec’), purchased on a whim from B&Q. This plant is a determined creature and despite the three brown crunchy leaves at the top and the seven yellowing leaves beneath, it battles on through the appalling conditions inflicted upon it.  It sits beneath a hungry air con unit, which dries out its soil every hour.  Every now and again a sympathetic idiot takes pity on it and empties half a can of Coke onto its soil, in order to give it a ‘bit of a boost’ after a lunch break.  Over time this plant moves around the office until ending up dumped unceremoniously next to the umbrella stand, where it has soggy coats planted on it, umbrellas leaning against its branches and where people use it as a make-shift door stop.

Every now and again some vociferous type thinks that it might be fitting to declare loudly that the presence of such a plant creates a “healthy office environment” despite the use of air con over fresh air and the germ infested desks, carpets and telephones.  Every evening at 5pm, the cleaner decides that it is probably a good idea to spray that awful blue generic disinfectant (so we are told) stuff on the leaves and give it a bit of a dusting.  Poor plant.  Here is one that had clearly had enough and made a run for it.

The spoilt brat.

This plant is either an orchid, or a Bonsai tree.  It becomes a matter of status and significance with these plant owners to ensure that they flourish, as it is a well known fact that both species are incredibly difficult to nurture, especially in an office environment.

The owners of these plants keep a little spray bottle on their desk, along with a pair of nail scissors and some tweezers to remove unwanted particles.  Every afternoon at approximately fourteen hundred hours, you will hear a delicate simpering and a little offering of endearment, to encourage and build up the little treasure.

The plant sits, not only in an ornate pot (Japanese usually, with willows and humming birds aplenty), but usually on its very own stand, so that it sits, just proud of the desk, in competition with the other plant nurturers.  The topiary on such plants is immaculate, with not a leaf out of place.

There is always an orchid or Bonsai mother superior. This is the one in the office generally ackonwledged to be the most knowledgable about all things Japan.  Every now and again, someone will sheepishly wander up to her desk, nursing a poorly orchid and seek advice in desperate whispered tones.  They shield the invalid, as this experience is incredibly detrimental to one’s reputation and dignity.  Diagnosis is hissed to and fro, a few tears are shed and then a remorseful owner pats the orchid on the head, apologises to it and shuffles back to their seat for a well-earned piece of chocolate, stashed in the top desk drawer for such an occasion as this.

Mexico City is lacking in green space…  Designer Jorge Hernandez de la Garza (fond of tongue twisters), has designed this ingenious vertical garden.

It is solar powered and recycles all its own water.  It includes living, working, public and private space as well as gardens.  Well done Jorge de la blah blah.  Nice work.  Full article at www.inhabitat.com

Goes to…

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Has anyone else noticed what happens to your bum when you pay for something in Soho Coffee Co. ??  It is very distressing!!!  Instead of offering sympathy at my plight whilst I was trying to pay for my almond croissant, JT decided he’d take a photo.  Thanks!

Isn’t it true, that when we get fed up with something and the way that it is run, we want to either fold our arms, look scathingly and make snide remarks, or step out of it and either do it differently or look for someone who is doing it differently.  In many contexts, the latter is a positive thing to do.  For example, in your career, your family life etc.  The fact is actually, that if you harbour a negative attitude towards these things, if you dont change them, the liklihood is that they might get changed for you!  For there is always the possibility, that all that you hold dear and close to you, of material value can be swept from under your feet with little or no warning.

We know, from the Bible that the only thing that never changes is God.  He is the one definite, the one consistent and the one “I AM” (not a biscuit form of cat food!)  God cannot be swept from under your feet and is with you “until the end of the age”.  Therefore in matters pertaining to God, we do not have the same liberty to pick, choose and complain.

What am I talking about?  I am talking about the church, after an interesting conversation today about the various frustrations relating to it.  I get fed up with it sometimes.  We all do.  History teaches us that many many people have got fed up with the church and have started new movements (look at all the denominations, Henry VIII etc – need I say more?) I have heard people say “I am thinking of starting my own thing”.  How dare they.  The church was started by Jesus Christ Himself in the time of Acts.  Who am I or who are you to do it your way instead?  The church is one body.

To anyone else feeling frustrated….  If you are not happy with the way that your congregation is run then you do have influence.  you have the biggest influence that there is.  Prayer.  Firstly, check your motives to see that the burden that you have comes from God.  Then pray the prayer that Jesus taught us to pray every single day – “Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven”.  Can’t put it plainer than that.  In the meantime, go to church.  You can’t be “salt and light” or “place your lamp on a lampstand” if you are not there.

I am not saying that starting a new ministry is wrong – absolutely not!!  I just feel that starting one from a place of bitterness or resentment is not healthy and that we should check our motives before doing so.  Has God spoken through our frustration or are we not being humble enough to accept the shortcomings of others?

I think I might have just received a call from Fone Jacker!  Hahaha!  I received a call from a “telecoms providings” company insisiting that I should save the monies.  Let me reind you of Fone Jacker to show you what it was like… I actually laughed out loud, especially when he said “You no want to save monies on your providings…..  WHY NOTTTT???”

A lot of posts about the council today……? URBAN RANGERS.  Hilarious.  Have you ever seen them?  They are a group of individuals who dress in green trousers, green polo shirts and green baseball caps.  They go around planting or uprooting flowers, for the general enjoyment of the beholder and to impose suffering upon those with hayfever.

KIT LIST:  One long yellow hose, trays upon trays of flowers, a spade each, a trowel and, if they are lucky, a rake.  They have a small lorry in which to carry this necessary equipment and they are directed by the one whom I call Charlie Dymock – a rather horsey looking type with very long legs.  she always seems to know what she is doing and has the motivation and enthusiasm of Anneka Rice.

Now, this all sounds rather harmless and I suppose, in essence, it is.  However, I have two objections.  Number one, the hi-viz jackets.  WHY?!?!?!?  They are planting flowers, not land mines!!  The flowers are also not situated in the middle of a busy main road.  If they are going to get hit by a truck in a public park then I doubt that the flourescent yellow would have done much anyway!  I am getting more than a little perplexed by the unnecessary usage of hi-viz jackets.

You will observe the gentleman on the left, in his hi-viz, which presumably he has been asked to wear in order to get to hold the hose.  Lucky boy.  The two other men are also in flourescent yellow.  Why?  Not sure.  They are planting busy lizzies.  You will observe Charlie D in the baseball cap, telling them what to do, whilst pointing her trowel in a ferocious manner.   Don’t cross her.

My second objection is to the other piece of kit used by the URBAN RANGERS.  A leaf blower.  Is there any earthly point to a leaf blower at all?  I am genuinely bewildered and would appreciate guidance on this matter.  One day I saw a man (hi-viz and EAR DEFENDERS – yes!) blowing leaves from the pathway of his restaurant into the pathway of next door’s shop.  I am sure they were really grateful.  A few minutes later, a gust of wind replaced them for him.  Brilliant!  Then, I drove past Cheltenham college and witnessed an URBAN RANGER (*shudder*) or similar, blowing leaves around the lawn.  Yes.  Around the lawn.  They weren’t going anywhere, apart from round in a circle before landing exactly where they came from and the ranger, complete with hi-viz and ear defenders looked seriously bored.

Can anyone possibly enlighten me as to the benefits of such a piece of equipment?

URBAN RANGERS.  Legendary.

“I hate people like that…. You just want to hit them with a bat.”

He was referring to a REALLY thick woman at the council.  There is no other word for her.  Mark R and I were enquiring about something….. I had already spoken to her once and found her to be devoid of sandwiches in her picnic.  Mark left a message and said his name and she replied “So that’s a D…..?” “No, M!! MMMMM A R K”  What did she think his name was, DARK?!

So today I phone her and try to leave my number.  “07595…” I ventured.  “07959….” she chirped.  “No…. 595.  595!!!”  Got to the end and said “750.”  “753″  she responded.  ARRRGGGHHHHH!

The other day I had to visit a friend in hospital who was having a bit of a baby scare….  I am famously bad with hospitals and this ward was right up on the top floor.  I think I managed a whole 2 minutes before an old lady started choking on her food, which basically finished me off.  I legged it, leaving another friend to chat.

Whilst downstairs, I sank into a chair to recover and realised that I was sitting by a large marble Jesus, who appeared to have found a runaway patient.

As I looked to the side of him, I saw that he ust have been doing a lot of business in the healing department that day…..

I am now able to announce that (so long as my calculator serves me correctly), I have got a first for my degree!!  I am very happy and still in a slight state of shock.  In the next couple of weeks I will be getting a couple of businesses up and running (watch this space) and am hoping to do that old fashioned thing called working for a living – help!

Why a couple of businesses?  Well, I actually have 5 or 6 ideas in the pipeline, but let’s not get carried away…  In a recession you need to spread your wings a little and basically put on a hat that says “will work for money”, as there is no guarantee of security anywhere.  It is a really tough time for a lot of people at the moment with jobs becoming fewer and further between.  Design Week advertised ONE junior design job the other week, in the whole country!!!  Bad times.  It is viscious out there and we all need to keep our heads down and pray our way through.

Thank you all for your support, over what has been, for me, a really difficult year.